Something for everyone (lengthy post)

Hey kids. I'm putting arguably (at least in my own terms) my best poem and its latest revision at the bottom of this. I welcome comments. The initial draft was written sometime around October '03 in Buenos Aires Argentina. This latest draft was reconstituted tonight during innings 6 - 9 of the Twins/Yanks game. A 2-0 victory for the twins--a good thing.

First, Sarah:

I'm interesting about Ames. Is there a linguistics (Masters of Doctoral) program there? What are the entrance rules? Do I need to take a test--GRE or whatever it is? Did you take one of these tests. How'd you do? What was it like? What else did you have to do for admittance? Did you go there? Why did you choose to go there? What is your "formal" degree that you're aiming for upon finishing up there? I guess I don't know and have never known these, so if you could, in your next post, write a little about this, it would be of great help to either aspiring-junkie or aspiring-Dr. Smetana. (I say junkie- in a self-respecting sense, by no means would I make myself a drugjunkie, perhaps a literature and silliness junkie.) I need to know what the turf is like, I guess.

Next, glad to hear that you're safe and sound and drunk back in Fargo, Erik. (Well, not for long, I guess.) Reminds me of a poem of Kerouac called "Safe in Heaven, dead" - Chris, I think I forced you to read that at one point. After I finish writing this, I'm going to find it, so that I can reacquaint myself with it. I should remember it, but sadly all I remember is that there was a pun about the title, some critic wrote of Kerouac that he was "safe in Heaven, drunk." Ha.

Obviously that critic meant drunk, in the sense of satiated, not in our physical terms of inebriation.

Finally, the part that Chris has been waiting for throughout my longwindedness: Kris's attempts (I think they're good) at sonnet-writing. You know. It's just about the iambs, and it's not too bad once you get the knack of it. I do have four quasi-sonnets after all. By no means are they Shakespearean or Miltonian, but for my first forays, I must say, I don't think they're bad.

- - - - -

"One (For Joleen)" - In the Second draft, I renamed it the first line, as Dickinson does.

I see myself a day removed from you
and knowing this, I cannot help but think
of all the things that I should do to link
our lives while time remains and I can brew

within my head the loves unshared, unmade,
in time's brisk march forever on and on.
If we could wait until the rays of dawn
would break for love to bloom and grow and fade.

It would a pittance be to know that life
could end without the melding of our hearts
without the gentle touch that lies in starts
beneath the camouflage of man and wife--

And it would be for me so trite to read
soliloquies apart from in your stead.

- - - - -

"Stead" is to be read with a long "e" there, though it's not technically correct to pronounce it like that. I prefer it like that for the reading. If you want to get technical, I guess you could say it was a slant rhyme, but I tried to avoid such methods in writing this one.

Here it is, with the hour I spent on it tonight. It's sharper, but it's not the quite the same.

- - - - -

I see myself a day removed from you.
Now minutes matter more than distance does.
For knowing that what is could be what was
May make me understand what I must do.

Within my head stir loves unshared, I lay;
As time relentless marches on and on
If we could stay until the rays of dawn
Would break, then love would grant another day.

It would a pity by to know this time
Could end without the melding of our hearts,
Without the tenderness that lies in starts
Beneath the camouflage of dusky rhyme.

For me so trite 'twould be in having read
Soliloquies while I am in your stead.

- - - - -

"Stead" here is pronounced as it should be, [stEd], linguistically.

Comments on either of these would be appreciated. Take shots if you must, but please either post them on here or send them via e-mail (krsmetana@hotmail.com) if you have something to say and don't want to say it for others to read. The major difference in my mind is that in #2, there is more focus on time, I made an effort to use time words - "day, minutes, is/was, time relentless, rays of dawn (evoking a NEW day), starts, dusky."

Hmm. Well, I'm spent. Long post, like I said.