Finally posting something creative.
This is a poem that I started working on a month ago. Coincidentally, it sat dormant for about a month and I have three "drafts" of it now. This one is the third draft, which I decided to put to some kind of rhyme scheme, just for the sake of forcing myself into some kind of pattern. Should probably get into the habit of that. If anyone has any interest, I will post the other "versions" though they are a lot rougher. Suggestions/ideas/etc are welcome.
It's called "acyclical" which is a word that I have coined for "something that doesn't exist in cycle (or) infinite." Excuse any heretical meanderings in my thoughts, I'm attempting to say that God didn't do what he said according to the Bible, but just came here because he wanted to be cyclical (finite). Wow--I thought that was a great title then, but now looking at it, it doesn't seem so fitting. Seems kind of random in fact. And now we view Kris's verbose two paragraphs of drivel. Sorry for that, folks. Here it is:
Though easy to reason his purpose was greater—
The powerful thundering omnipotent Pater,
Who from the motionless throes out of time
Decided, desired, and so created a nadir.
Standing on the infinite border sublime
He cast forth his son to deliver with wine
A blessing a burden a gift with sinsear
Of purpose and passion, but queer yet benign
That people astounded perked up with their fear
To proclaim his purpose with infinite cheer
He’s come to save us all from our deaths
Because God has forgiven we sinners—o notre pere!
Though easy to reason his purpose was greater—
The Pater the nadir the gift le fils Christ
Descended with no greater desire nor drive
Than to live as a man, as man then to die.
2 Comments:
K- have a copy of your poem below, for lack of better editing know-how I've developed a simple yet ingenious method for criticism, Bold means it is a part that kinda threw me, Italics are parts that I really like...I know i know, its the best I can do... anyways, I also mapped the rhyme scheme, it is consistent until the final stanza, is this deliberate? It kinda tripped me up, but I love the content!
Kutos for trying to rhyme, I had a professor of poetry at UND who would not allow anyone to write a metered poem, when I asked him why, he said that it is simply too difficult to do right. lets face it, the poets mind is often uncomfortable at best when surrounded by walls...
I also like your premise, you could actually begin a whole new line of jokes that start "So God got bored one day and..." seriously though this thought lends alot to work with...
Though easy to reason his purpose was greater—
The powerful thundering omnipotent Pater,
Who from the motionless throes out of time
Decided, desired, and so created a nadir.
(A,A,B,A)
Standing on the infinite border sublime
He cast forth his son to deliver with wine A blessing a burden a gift with sinsear
Of purpose and passion, but queer yet benign (A,A,B,A)
That people astounded perked up with their fear
To proclaim his purpose with infinite cheer
He’s come to save us all from our deaths
Because God has forgiven we sinners—o notre pere!
(this stanza sounds a little lighter than the rest, not as thoughtful, am put in mind of the Who's down in Whoville)
(A,A,B,A)
Though easy to reason his purpose was greater—
The Pater the nadir the gift le fils Christ
Descended with no greater desire nor drive
Than to live as a man, as man then to die.
(A,B,C,D/C?) Not sure how "Christ is pronounced in that language...
My favorite part is the rhythm. Say it aloud: "powerful thundering ominopotent Pater". Heh.
I don't know how Christ is done in French. I don't speak French, I don't know why I included it. Pater, I'm pretty sure it Latin, and if not, then I'm really mistaken. I just was fishing for rhymes and if James Joyce (and others) can just throw up (regurgitate?) some French so can I.
I'll add more comments later, just breezing through right now.
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