About Chris's third draft of Colorless, Odorless

Comments are in the same order as the story.  If I had Office XP, I would just send you a commented copy of your paper, but as I don't have any MS Office on my computer right now, that's an impossibility.  Oh well.  Parts bolded are great or things to pay attention to.

Here goes:

I like "dirty dishes clutter kitchen tops, tables, stained sofa cushions" - I feel the sentence falls apart as you make it more complicated than the blast of adjectivals, though.  "...which complement blahblahblah" - I guess I feel that is colorless, odorless, whereas the first part of the sentence just...works.

"Crumbs decorate..." - what crumbs?  "Crumbs" could be anything.  When you re-write this, I want it blasted with more details, no matter how stupid they may sound.
"topped with smothered cigarettes" sounds good.

Weird she has a breast pocket.  And even weird she stores her smokes there.
"leans back into the futon" - Kind of drab description.  Bland, I guess.  Not flashy enough. 
Sounds like tired description.  I guess it is a tired thing to do, though.

What does "abreactive" mean?  M-W.com doesn't list it.  (Please post the definition in the comments part on this for me.)

"with the pain of not really feeling" - I want more here.  (This comes after the first phone call in that paragraph.)

"Once again, her thumbs shoot up the dial pad, absolving any sense of numbness." - Thumbs?  When was the last time you used the phone with two thumbs?  "Absolve = set free from an obligation or the consequences of guilt" - is this the right word?

In phone conversation number three, I want to hear something like "Do you remember me?" - I think that would be funny.  I think my 5am eyes saw that while buzzing through it.  Heh.

“Twila, you’re done!” - Would she really say this?  Might think it.  Not say it.  Unless you have her talking to herself prior to this, it might work now, but she seems like it's just all (or not at all) going on inside her head.  (See paragraphs between phone calls for what I'm getting at here.)

2nd to last paragraph:  I don't really like the word "scurries."  She seems to have more resolve than that to me.  She's not so fickle in her actions to me.  More purposeful.  But then again, she does make three phone calls, using her thumbs, and just has the aura of disgust.  I guess it works.  Just a personal thing probably.

"butt from the ashes" - I know you don't know much about smoking, but this revolts me.  It really does.  I'm thinking that it does the same for Erik.  A butt from the...ashes.  Worst possible thing.

What else is she doing on the computer?  What is she waiting for?  More songs?  Someone to talk to online?  Her boyfriend to come?  Thinking of love?   I kind of want to hear what this girl is thinking about more.  You don't really give too much.  There's the phone calls and the parts leading up to that.  Perhaps you're going for that. 

Funny...there are probably things that I said on the first draft of this that are contradictory to what I'm saying now.  Oh well.  Just have fun with it.  And if you're discouraged about my comments just wait until I have a short story up for you to belittle.  ;-)  (That is not to mean that I'm belittling yours; it's just constructive, that's all.)