Though easy to reason His purpose was greater—
Our powerful, thundering, heavenly Pater,
Created from the motionless throes of His mind
His son the unerring and blessèd: our nadir.
With prophetic speech and calls of endtimes, (whose speech and calls?)
The son was sent forth to redeem us with wine, (so water-to-wine is now blood-to-wine?)
Kind blessing, his burden, a gift without peer,
A so-said deliverance from sin for all time. (but didn’t Jesus himself tell us this?)
People unthinking and vested in cheer
Unknowing and sobbing their various tears.
Nearing their ends and divining the why—
Said God killed his own to rend from us fear.
(This stanza has the most direction since it works with our right to reason which could also be our downfall in the end) Though easy to reason his purpose was greater—
The child the nadir the gift, may we mind
Descended with no greater desire nor drive (kinda prosy here)
Than to live as a man, as man then to die
I think your poem is still in the stages of ideas becoming something greater. It needs elaboration and the elaboration needs a vehicle.
I like your last line and I know you do too. It works beautifully to conclude an argument, but I think your human reasoning is what needs some work. To me the poem needs an edge for us readers to perch and rest our reading minds. The tossing-in of the conflict seems unfulfilling. Jesus as our lowest point in humanity…..I guess my belief comes into interpretation here….I believe Jesus’ coming is one of two most high points in our humanity. But another belief and conflict comes into play here: human reason vs. God’s unerring plan. The word Nadir was a hard one to pull off. I guess my question would be is it God’s lowest point or is it ours?
I would have liked it if you elaborated on our reasoning and found a way to connect your plan of Jesus (God) just wanting to live as a man. Now that’s a lotta work and I’m not so sure it can be done with the poem set in this day and age or with the fact that God is perfect, so his plan would never fail, so you have to make it seem as though it is working, but once again I am not so sure it works with Christianity.
You could possibly set the poem from a Jewish perspective…just a suggestion…then you could make the poem more of a parable instead of you just kind of pointing us towards your idea or goal. I just think you need to build a better argument, since you are going up against, well let’s face it, The Word of God.
Maybe to make it work better is to, as I suggested, make it a parable but also make it more comical/light-hearted. Jesus, sitting at the right hand of the Pater telling everyone in heaven via a parable what he wanted to do instead and/or the parable relates to the delusive practice of human’s of which we call reasoning. I am saying this because I feel it is necessary for me as a Christian to remind you of what you are toying around with (our salvation) and what a bunch of other minds have done too.
You could bring in other writers’ perspectives within Jesus’ Last Parable. Jesus could address the Father as Pater, which in turn could be your second line because I think that, “Our powerful, thundering, heavenly Pater,” doesn’t do so much for the Chris Man.
I like the word/line “divining the way.” It reminds me of devising, so it seduces me into the error of our ways but how we mask it with hyperbolic words. This ties in with the idea of illusions. Who is actually talking? Jesus? Satan? Who is this being talking to? Us? Everyone in heaven, hell and earth? This could make a great short story. Or epic poem! ;-) I think deception give the readers that chance to decide what they want to believe, because that is, afterall, what God has given us the ability to do.
I hope y suggestions help. I believe the poem would work much better being comical and also as a parable possibly being told by the deciever himself... (I say possibly because that is what we the readers will have to decide). To me it is depressing to think that we just made up Jesus intentions. Because without Him we’re in the dark forever. I’m not just saying this as a Christian, because the Bible itself, as I am sure you know refutes your poem. With that, I think you need to either work with it or against it (which I do not recommend). Working within the confinements of the Bible and using Satan as a subversive deception could give this an edge for the reader not to rest on (as stated before) but to die upon if they fail to make the right choice. Your beliefs are yours, but I just wanted to let you know how my beliefs interacted with your poem and I am sure others would too. It was hard to grab the idea that Jesus just wanted to die or live as a man without trying to save his people. That would be a worldy/selfish ideal not vested within our Lord.
Maybe I need clarification on your intentions, but when I first read that last stanza of yours,
Though easy to reason his purpose was greater—
The child the nadir the gift, may we mind
Descended with no greater desire nor drive
Than to live as a man, as man then to die
I wanted to agree with the fact that yes, He wanted to live as a man and then to die as a man so he could be our way to heaven, but not with the idea that he just wanted to walk amongst us for the sake of walking. Maybe that’s what you want me to do?????
I just think with your vantage point it is hard to argue. We should get together and discuss this further, especially before me and Laura take off! I would love to talk about this notion you have and what can be done with it. And with what you want to do with it.
Very interesting ideas Kris. You never cease to amaze me with your intellect and insight. Keep writing!
